Think Out Loud

The year 2010 was an emotional circus for me. At first, I thought my list wouldn't make it to 10, but I was wrong (boy, what an ungrateful grinch I am). Lesson for the day: never underestimate the blessings of God. So, here are the top 10 highlights in my 2010 that I want to thank God:

When I was younger, it was easier to make friends with guys than with girls. Almost all girls my age were starting to get really focused on their looks. They discovered the wonders of face powders, nail polish, and they are always searching high and low for the perfect hair, and of course, the hot good looking guys.

I wasn't into those things. Sure, I'm particular with the clothes I wear and making sure that I don't look like a monster everyday, but I never held a hairbrush for more than 2 seconds (except when I'm brushing my hair) and I scrunch my nose over horrible whiffs of perfume. In fact, I even remember having only 2 crushes in high school (which eventually drained even before the school year ended) and none in college. So, it was a little hard for me to connect with most of the girls, especially in high school. My focuses back then were maintaining good grades, practicing lines for plays, practicing solos for glee club, and figuring out the next issue for my column. Totally dork-ish, I know, but for some strange reasons, some of the boys in my class shared the same interests as I had. And no, I didn't fall in love with them and they didn't fall in love with me. It was all very platonic.

College was better. The girl barkadas I didn't have in highschool I gained in college. But even though we share the same interests (such as complaining over a subject or downgrading an instructor, HAHA), I still found myself quick friends with the withering number of guys in our department (majority are girls and some of the guys either shift to a new course or become 'girls' too).

But my friendship with these guys were not just random. I still applied the principle of choosing, like which guys are good to be friends with and whom are not. Funny because most of my guy friends are more talkative, sarcastic, and humorously evil than I am. But yes, I found myself caring for these guys like my own brothers, same as I care for my female friends as very cool sisters. But with my guy friends, I like the way that they understand me and that I understand them (without the need to lay it out on the table) which is = we're just friends.

So I think male-female relationships are healthy when handled well. You don't get stuck into the conservative's world and you get the chance to hear the thought and opinions of the male species (on general matters) and give your thoughts and opinions as well. You wouldn't be left awkward during social functions (especially when there's a need to bring a date - not necessarily a boyfriend) and wouldn't look stupid standing in the middle of the room while you grow wide eyed with nervousness that there are males in the room.

I mean, come on. One of the things I observed being a young adult now is that women tend to see males as only potential mates. I believe they are more than that (and males should also realize that we females are also more than that). If you open your mind and start embracing that fact, you will be surprised to find yourself having good fun. You'll learn a lot from them and they'll grow respecting you. Just make sure you don't involve premature emotional intimacy or else your male-female friendship is as good as done.

That is why I think the Vizconde massacre killers could still be identified with all the technologies and latest scientific discoveries we have now.

That is, if we the right kind of people who can work on that - people who are competent, efficient, and most of all with integrity. If we could round up a team with these qualities, this case could be solved in less than a week. Unfortunately, that's not how the real world works. But I'm really curious to know who done it.

If I weren't working for an NGO, have the brave guts, and not an only child, I'd probably be working as an investigative journalist. And I'll be working on this Vizconde massacre case. I know I'd really work on it. I was three years old when this massacre/court circus happened and I've had this gut feeling that there are many things not right about this case.

Ever since I laid my eyes on a Nancy Drew hard bound copy and read my first one, I wanted to become a detective. I remember back in 5th grade, our computer teacher asked us to write an essay on what we wanted to be when we grow up and how computers can help us in that career, I wrote "a detective". But not as a cop.

I didn't know about investigative journalism back then because during that time - 5th grade - I haven't discovered my interest in writing yet. Until the following year. So in high school, I devoured detective novels and coupled it with writing for the school newspaper. And when I got into college, I took a communication course.

However, things change. Apparently, I found out that being an investigative journalist in this country is like signing off a death warrant. Through the years, hundreds of journalists had been killed, the Maguindanao massacre in 2009 being the most recent. More than 50 journalists were murdered there in just a few minutes. So being an investigative journalist is a dangerous job, especially if you do it in this country.

So yeah, I'm a pansy and a whimp. A scaredy cat. I am not brave enough to endanger my life, or the lives of my family and friends, just for something that will be twisted and torched by the justice system in just a single snap anyway.

But I came to realize that investigative journalism is not limited within the confines of the criminal world. In fact, there are dozens of documentaries being produced that are not "criminal" in a sense, but issues that still cry out attention. Like culture. Lost inheritance of the country. Plight of ordinary Filipinos who give extraordinary impact to the nation and the world.

So maybe I could still give investigative journalism a shot. It's not that I'm already old anyway. In fact, maybe I could give an investigate twist on the medical segments I'm producing for radio. Yeah, that would make it interesting. At least I would be excited doing my research and writing the scripts.

There are so many stories out there that are desperate to be heard, mysteries waiting to be discovered, trails that are waiting to be delved into deeper. It's only a matter of time. I think the Lord put all these mysteries in the world to make our lives more exciting and interesting, and for us to seek Him more.

I want to travel the world, meet new people, hear their stories, learn their culture, and see the beauty of God's creation through mankind. I want to capture every moment, steal each distant look, and freeze raw emotions through a camera's lens.

Until these happen in real life, i would only end up writing a fantasy.

It is my only hope for this coming year that my wildest dreams will start turning into a reality. After all, God told me this morning that nothing is impossible with Him.

It's a promise I will cling on to for life.

I had a great time.

I didn't expect I would say that but I honestly did. I had fun with my friends (friends could be extra cool at times like this) and we enjoyed taking pictures with people who wore expensive, creative, and amazing costumes.

I came as Cruelle Deville. Yep, the villain from 101 Dalmatians. And I'm very proud to say the I only spent a total 57 pesos for the whole get up.

So here's a little tip to those who want dress up as Cruella Deville in the near future and don't want to spend much (or spend anything at all). For Cruella's signature hair, use white poster paint but make sure that it's washable. You can apply it in highlights, just like the way I did it, or you could cover the whole half of your hair with white paint. As for the clothes, wear something fit and elegant, like a black fitted dress (the goes a little above the knees) and high-heeled red shoes. Cruella is a fashion designer so she dresses crisply, but of course, weirdly. You could top it off with a white fur coat. I did not find a white coat in time (and I don't have the time to look for one) so I wore black. For the props, borrow a stuffed dog. Or, you could use a long, cigar holder.

Here's a few more pictures during the party:

Afterwards, my friends and I went to Starbucks to celebrate Ate Gigi's second President's Award. It's the highest form of award in our company and the framed certificate is coupled with $500.

Starbucks was where we continued the fun. We laughed at pictures from yesterday's department Christmas party because of the silly stolen shots of everyone. Well, we laughed at ourselves, actually.

Once again, I had a great laughing session with my friends. What a way to end the year. I hope we get more of this next year. But first, Merry Christmas!

i so suck at writing now.

i'm currently doing a follow-up story on one of our beneficiaries. i did the interviews, gathered all the facts, finished my draft - but that's it. i could not add any depth into it. it has no heart at all. no conveyance of emotions whatsoever. maybe i'm no heartfelt writer. maybe i'm just a storyteller. a dull, shallow storyteller.

Who would have thought that I actually learned something from school that isn't exactly academic?

While school has somehow become a distant feeling for me now and the thought of it sometimes drains me (my last 2 years in college was a raging war), I'm glad that these skills were exhausted. I may not have been thankful before, but I'm extremely thankful now.

But everything is still a product of God's grace

...the AZKALS for winning against Vietnam in the Suzuki World Cup. Surely you guys stunned the world when you beat the defending champion and advanced to the semis after a draw match with Myanmar. It will be the first for the Philippine Football Team!

It's sad to see that jobs, which give a surging sense of fulfillment, joy, and pride, are usually the ones that pay less compared to the routine, robotic ones but are able to satisfy the needs, the wants, and even the desires.

It's sad how many people choose to go the "routine" path instead of venturing into the crazy unknown. It's probably too much work and too less "returns" for self.

Allow me to share the bookmark design I made for the Christmas Giveaways of our company this year. I am just so happy with the result of the design. I am very thankful to the Lord for the inspiration since my creativity only seeps out occasionally in me. It has a season of its own.

Anyway, here it is. It's a bookmark-calendar, but I won't be uploading the calendar anymore:

2. An apartment. As early as this month we are starting to move into our new office. As what I've mentioned in my previous entry, it's farther away from my house. It will cost more too. Tomorrow, Ate Ana and I are planning on looking around Pasig to find a place that would be near our office and at the same time would fit our budget.

3. Cellphone. I just bought a cellphone last year and now it's starting to self-destruct. I honestly don't know why it's doing that. I didn't do anything weird to it and I took care of it well. Well, okay maybe it slipped out of my hands a few times but I didn't expect it to give out this soon.

4. Clothes. My pants are starting to fit snuggly. I need to seriously lose weight. I hope I can do that without any struggles.

5. Shoes. I think I only have two pairs of good, reliable shoes left.

6. Be active in church. I don't know why I'm including this in my list. It's like a last minute thought and I can't bring myself to delete what I'm writing right now. Even though I know that I'm not a "church person" and would rather choose doing ministry outside the church, I also don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to be involved in some church activities. Maybe I missed the weekly practices or I am just too bored on weekends that I needed some activities where I can productively channel my time.

Since I'm relatively new in this church (and in the group), it was my first time to meet the other members of the large group. At least now more familiar faces are added, though I hadn't really formed a bond with any of them. But I'm usually like that when I meet people for the first time, especially in parties. I spent the whole time seated beside my D group-mates since they are the ones I am more familiar with.

From that party, I got a necklace (from the exchange gift), a notepad and a mirror (from the white elephant gift), and a black and white ceramic bowl (a gift from J).

Next, next week we'll have the Christmas party at work. But what I'm more excitedly looking forward to is the Christmas get together that Maryse, May, and I are planning.

I miss my friends.

Merry Christmas!

For our company's Christmas party, we'll be having:

This is going to be tricky. I'm not a fan of dressing up, especially costumes. I think princesses are overrated yet it's still the easiest one to do. Here are some of the things I thought of dressing up as:

1.) Phantom of the Opera

Who said the infamous phantom is a man? For all we know, it might have been a woman! That would definitely put a twist in this classic story.

2.) Plants Vs. Zombies

Actually, we thought of doing this as a threesome. Kuya ben will be the plant, I will be the zombie, and Ate Vj will be the singing sunflower.

After all, we were pretty addicted to that game before.

I know it would appear like we're going to a Halloween Party, but I saw this picture of Solenn Heussaff wherein she dressed herself as a zombie (this was during halloween). It was very simple (I can wear any clothes I want) and the make-up was absolutely gory. Gory, but artistic. The only downside is that I don't know anyone who can create a make-up effect like that.

3. Sunshine Corazon

It would be easy. All I'll need is the geeky Ninoy glasses. I'll make do with the short hair. The main point of that look anyway are the glasses and the earphones. But yeah, too safe.

4.) Cady Heron

Nope, not the mean girl Cady. Just the simple Cady that her two best friends fell in love with. It would be an easy thing to pull off. An oversized pink t-shirt, faded jeans, and a pair of sneakers. Ah, that would be one comfortable costume to wear. And FYI, I don't care what anyone thinks, but Lindsay Lohan will still have a special place in my fave young actors list.

5.) Or, I could always come as myself.

If they kick me out, I could always spend it in the mall, read a book in a coffee shop, or browse books in a nearby bookstore.

I think I would enjoy that more than dress up outrageously.

Ouch!

Hopefully I'll be able to think of better costumes before the costume party, or I better start thinking of thousand reasons to legally bail it.

The retreat was last weekend. I didn't go. It was Tito Aldi's birthday and i wanted to celebrate that with my family. I was planning a surprise gift that time too, which i was able to purchase and give. Besides, i know God will not only speak to me in a retreat, but any time, even if i am just in the safe confines of my room.

The sudden answer kind of startled me. During my devotion, I wasn't really asking for that particular "Question". it has been months and i had already forgotten to pray about it, though it still runs in my mind every time i am in the bus.

But when I got the answer, I knew in my heart that it was the answer I was waiting for. it was so specific, i almost laughed. I am still asking God for more confirmations in the coming months and remaining years. I have to be sure that it is the right answer that I am waiting for, not just something that i thought is the answer. But I'm once again blown away to see that God really do listens to my prayers and questions, in spite of my many shortcomings.

I read this in Joel Osteen's book, Become A Better You and i was so encouraged:

... God wants you to go further. He's a progressive God, and he wants every generation to be increasing in happiness, success, and significance. No matter where we are in life, God has more in store. He never wants us to quit growing. We should always be reaching for new heights in our abilities, in our spiritual walk, in our finances, careers, and personal relationships. We all have areas where we can come up higher. We may have achieved a certain level of success but there are always new challenges, other mountains to climb. There are new dreams and goals that we can pursue....

... But be careful: Sometimes when you are enjoying life, it is easy to become complacent, to get satisfied, and think, Yes, God's been good to me. I can't complain. I've achieved my goals; I've reached my limits. But God never performs His greatest feats in your yesterdays.

... He may have one wonders in the past, but you haven't seen anything yet! The best is yet to come. Don't allow your life to become dull. Keep dreaming, hoping, and planning for new projects, experiences, and adventures with God.

The second paragraph was the one that struck me the most. I know it's been the thing that has been holding me off. But I never realized that it could be the one thing that could hinder me from becoming the person God wanted me to be. Probably this is the reason why He fulfilled one of my goals right away (which I thought He would give to me when I'm older), because His plan for me is beyond my current dreams. He wants me to keep on dreaming, hoping, and planning for new experiences and adventures I would have with Him. All I need to do is stretch my dreams and don't box His abilities in my limited mind. I have to trust Him that He knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future.

Hiding within the confines of your comfort zone really tends to get boring. Why get scared of the "crazy" zone when you have God with you all the way? And He doesn't just go with you, He goes before you. This is what I should keep reminding myself.

I'm excited to live the present and eventually live the future.

I had an extremely busy day at work, rushing to finish at least half of our Christmas giveaways. on my way home, traffic was intense. jeepneys were full. i had no choice. i decided to walk all the way from Buendia to Taft, where the bus station was. i had fun walking. i felt like i was back in Los Banos, where we try outdoing ourselves by walking through miles and kilometers just for fun. and i kept thinking about all the calories i was burning. it kept me motivated all the way.

when i got home, i can't wait for a good, long rest. it's the weekend so i could sleep in. the long walk made me dead tired. my mother could not believe i walked that distance. i thought she was going to lecture me but thankfully she didn't. after all, i told her about the calorie-burning idea and she liked it. i could feel my legs sore and thumping. it felt weird. the moment i lied down in bed, i instantly fell asleep.

suddenly, i woke up with a loud pounding on the door. it was so loud my eyes flew open, and my sleepy, tired haze were thrown out of the window. i was alarmed. someone was screaming and my bedroom floor was vibrating from the impact.

finally getting a cloudy grasp on the situation, it was just our neighbors (whom we are having problems with because of their utter rudeness and non-stop partying keeping us up all night) were terrorizing each other. nothing surprising with that. i knew chaos was bound to happen with these people sooner or later. so from being concerned, i became thoroughly annoyed. i checked the watch and it was 12:30 in the morning.

what an ungodly hour to terrorize people and neighbors when all are probably in deep sleep.

great.

and then, to make things even noisier, i heard windows breaking and glass shattering. apparently, a (crazy) woman was screaming her head off, throwing profanities at our neighbors. she wasn't from our block. she just went there to cause chaos of some kind that i'm still not sure of. she was with a bunch of men who were trying to calm her down. the men, with their thug-like build, happened to be a bunch of wimps. they could not control a high-pitched, crazy old woman. she was screaming lots of profanities and threats, like killing our neighbors. her sharp tongue could land her in big trouble sooner or later. i was already counting in my fingers the cases that could be filed against her: harassment, oral defamation, destroying ones property, trespassing (if she breaks down the barricaded door and forces herself in), physical injury (if she tries anything that will harm the occupants of the house), robbery (if she steals anything, which i doubt she will), and murder (if she continues on executing her "vengeful" plans).

It was all empty threats. But if it isn't, then i'm willing to give a statement to the police. i took note of the names of the people she was with (she was saying their names while they were trying to calm her), what time the chaos started, what the people with her looked like (i peeked outside the window for a few seconds), the threats she screamed out, and what time they left.

after making our night into something hellish like that, they are bound to learn a lesson. i hope nothing like this would bother our peaceful nights again. or i hope we'll be able to just sleep through it.

i guess it has to do with being disconnected with internet for so long. it's been weeks since i was able to connect to the internet again. i was so busy at work lately that i didn't have the time to do any blogging. i thought that maybe today is the best time to put up one. after all, i'm already distracted enough.

just a few weeks ago i vowed to myself to refrain from putting up any shallow entries here. but i think i'm just doing the opposite. just like now.

my world is still as crazy as it was from where i left off. probably some things have considerably quieted down but not everything. next month we'll be moving to a new office space that will be farther away from my house. that means i'll have to face the inevitable. i have to rent.

thankfully, one of my officemates is willing to share an apartment with me. we'll try to look for a good place that is just a walking distance away from our office. i haven't seen the office yet, and we'll take a look on Tuesday.

everyone is excited to move. but me? well, only slightly. while having a new place will be beneficial for our department and to the whole company, the thought of renting is just too much of a hassle for me (while travelling a total of 4 hours everyday isnt?). i haven't really lived far away from home so this is a really foreign thing for me. not that i'm afraid of being separated from my mother or anything. not at all. but home is home for me. it's where i wanted to be after a long day at work. the atmosphere is very different from the crowded, polluted city of Metro Manila. while we do have some problems with our neighbors, air here is very cool and considerably clean (compared to the smog in the metro). there's a TV too (with cable) and i can easily talk about my issues without fear that i may be misunderstood or ratted out. and my room is really spacey. i love space. i don't like the feeling of being confined into a small room. i'm mildly claustrophobic, i think, but i don't get panic attacks. it just makes me annoyed to no end. i also like that i could hog the bathroom during the morning, not concerned about someone waiting to use it. and i don't have to cook my food.

but anyway, this is life. changes are bound to happen, even renting apartments for the sake of work. i hope we'll be able to find a good place where it's safe and quiet, and i hope my future housemates would be people i get along with. or else, i'd rather travel all the way home everyday.

Same as the old saying goes: men doesn't like women who are easy to get. So true. I'm more certain now that it isn't really a good thing for women to have dozens of boyfriends in their young life. It gives the notion that she is easy to get, and an easy one to throw away. With all her relationships that have gone nowhere, it shows irresponsibility in handling (supposed-to-be) serious matters such as that.

But men, you're not off the hook yet. Even women doesn't like the "easy" breed of men. Those kind who easily falls in love, easily falls out of love, easy flirts, and are easily manipulated. Such men has a brain the size of a coconut shell (in my opinion) because they only think about themselves, and what satisfies them. They are the ones who are emotionally-driven and usually lack focus. One gets lost with what they really want because they are not even sure of what they want themselves. They only live in the present and doesn't consider the graveness of the future. They let their feelings guide their decisions, that's why in the end, they blow up one relationship after another.

So it isn't true what a college professor once said that women who never had a boyfriend are pathetic because they have no idea what they want. In fact, I believe they know exactly what they want that's why they don't just jump into any potential relationship that comes their way. They don't ride with the wind, unsure of where it would take them. They don't saddle with the bandwagon, just so they could count themselves "in" to the growing numbers of couples. Instead, they use their brains and make sure that this relationship is something worth keeping for. They may appear very picky but they are surprisingly the ones who grow and become the best wives in the future: families intact and homes flooded with love.

But more than just using their rational and logical reasoning, they also use their ears. They know whom to listen to for sound advice and they know how to obey. What good is sound advice if there would be no application, right? And always, the best source of great advice is the Bible. It is God's voice written out for you to keep and look back to. Just a few weeks ago, I just finished the reading the book of Proverbs and it speaks so much about a wife of noble character; she is the pride of her husband and her value is far more precious than rubies.

People will always have different opinions on this widely argumentative theme of relationships. But my point is this (and i'm sure many agrees): Don't be too easy.

This song came out in 1997 and only found out this afternoon that this song was sung by a Kiwi Singer (from New Zealand).

Just this week, my workstation was moved from a slightly hidden, cramped area to a more spacious, well-ventilated one. But unfortunately for me, it is located right in front of the entrance (now I know what it feels like to be a security guard). So now I know who goes in and out - and everyone who passes by knows who I am (at least they know that someone with this description exists in this office).

To make things even better, the round table and the receiving area, which are used to entertain guests, are located in front of my table. And lately, this multi-purpose table is also being used for department meetings, guest meetings, and such while the usual conference room remains unavailable. Anyway, the whole point of this entry is that I can't concentrate and i have tons of pending jobs to accomplish this week!

Ugh.

And it's 3 o' clock PM already. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything yet and I'm slacking off big time even if I don't really mean to. I'm doing some writing today but I can't seem to put my mind into it. I need some peace and quietness but in this current area where I am, it's hopeless. I already moved to a different table but it's no better.

But there's still the best part. The best part of this (I'm being sarcastic) is that I hear everything. I hear what's being talked about in meetings, I hear phones ringing like crazy, I hear what people talking on the phone says, and I hear what the people on the other end of the phone says. And sometimes I just want to go Graahhh! I don't want to hear anything! I don't want to think! Get out of my head!!!

I guess a mind-reading super power would be an extremely annoying thing to have. It would be too noisy and you wouldn't have any relaxing silence time.

Sigh. Right now, I just want to hide under a shell like a turtle or hide inside a cocoon until my concentration's back.

Again, I'm sorry that I'm writing this entry during office hours but if I don't, I might lose my mind!!!

In the middle of the night I was laughing so hard while reading my entries (good thing my mom was tired so she wasn't awakened by my burst of giggles and uncontrollable belly laughs). I can't believe I was that frank and sarcastic before. There was so too much honesty in my entries that now, I can't believe it's gone! Hahaha. Come back!

I want to be that frank and honest again with my entries. When I started working, I became cautious with my choice of words to avoid misunderstandings (even though nobody really reads this blog but myself). But last night, I saw the wonders of recording true feelings. It's been 2 years since my last entry there, but I realized that it is true. Frustrating things that happened today will be something you will laugh about in the future.

I hope this blog would be more honest and frank from now on.

Let's kick off with my top 5 Christmas "needs" list:

1. Samsung Corby TXT and Samsung Corby 3G

I've been thinking of buying two phones for my Globe and Smart numbers for three things. One, my Globe number has been with me for the last 7 years and I have no intention of throwing it out unless i can afford to pay postpaid. Two, everyone at work is using Smart. Three, I don't trust dual-sim China phones. It's a waste of hard-earned cash.

Why Samsung? Because these two phones are hip and chic, but at the same time affordable. I'm just waiting for the year to end so that the prices will be cheaper. These are all old Samsung models. New models will be out in the market next year, making the prices of old Samsung phones to go down.

Since my mom's phone got busted late this year, I plan on giving her the Nokia Supernova phone I'm using right now. She keeps telling me that she wants a phone with a music player so I think the Supernova phone would fit her wants, while the Samsung phones would fit my budget.

2. Nikon D5000

Photography is one of the things I want to do and improve on. As of now, I'm using a point and shoot Canon Powershot digital camera. While it's good and has always served its purpose whenever I use it, I feel it's time to level up and be more adventurous with photography. And in my line of work, getting good shots are always important.

DSLR cameras always fascinate me. The effects they do to a photograph is just incredible. Since I'm more into spontaneous shots rather than glamorous studio shots, I'm really dreaming of having a DSLR camera that I could take with me every time I go on outdoor activities. It's powerful enough to capture shots of people's [raw] expressions and document movements without producing too much blur.

I think Nikon D5000 would be the perfect tool for that.

3. Ipod Touch

This Ipod is a perfect match of need and want.

Need: It has softwares that could help organize my scattered-brain life, like calendar (to block out schedules), notepad, and time.

Want: What else? Music playlist! It's practically my life.

4. WD Passport

My files accumulated through the years (college, work and personal files) have piled up, and I have no trust in DVDs. It has failed me dozens of times so I need an extra powerful tool to save all my life's works. And the best gadget for that is the WD Passport.

5. RAM (Random Access Memory)

My laptop has been with me through thick and thin. It's already 4 years old. But lately, it's blacking out and doing weird stuff. The guy at the computer repair shop told me that the RAM needs to be replaced.

But it's expensive.

Why not just buy a new laptop? Well, because I love my Packard Bell so much I don't want to replace it with a Mac or an HP.

Ah, Christmas is here. I discovered this song 4 years ago. Brings back Christmas college memories.