Think Out Loud

After enduring a very hot and humid week, it's suprisingly refreshing to be greeted at home with a relatively cool day. It's just what I need after an extremely stressful and sleep-deprived week. Once again, I was able to sleep for more than 7 hours and there was no pressure looming at me when I opened my eyes. I even had my favorite 'spaghetti' served for breakfast. Right now, I'm being cooled off by my third ice candy.

Thank you, Lord. This is clearly a good break for a fine summer day.

The heat has officially affected my brain. I was moody, irritated, and felt like my head was gonna explode due to extreme tension. It didn't help that I was cramming big time on something BIG. So I'm really disappointed and worried with myself today because I know I didn't pull it well together.

Add to that, my roommate is sick (so I'm playing nurse even though I have no idea what I'm doing) and the mango I ate fell really heavy on my stomach. I'm still going to eat ice cream later!

Sigh. This is beginning to be the worst week of my life.

Hopefully, God would prove me wrong. It will be my first television stint tomorrow so I'm really crossing my fingers about this. I'll probably have a sleepless night tonight to work on the scripts.

Lord, please grant me your grace, strength, favor, wisdom, and anointing for this week. I honestly need HELP!

Summer is in the air... and in this room. It's terribly hot in here. Angel told me she's going to burn a lot of calories just staying in our room because of the annoying heat. I sure hope the calories and fats get burned because I'm planning to go on a semi-diet to get my old shape back. Old shape meaning flatter stomach and leaner legs (I'm blessed with muscular pair of legs).

Anyway, I recently found out that we have wifi here in the dorm. And it's FREE!

So now I have found new ways to kill time - BLOG!

Now, if only wifi could fix the heat and cool down this room it would be most appreciated...

Today was a very tiring day. I feel like great amounts of energy was sucked out of my body. I guess that's what thinking does to people. It was only today when I got to wrack my brain cells again. We had our pre-retreat activity the whole day and boy did it involve a lot of thinking.

But on the bright side, I learned a lot about myself today. We took a 10-point personality test and a motivation gifting test. The most intense part of the day was when we resolved issues with our co-workers. In that activity, not only did I learn things about myself but I also learned what people see in me and see me doing - negative AND positive. Majority of the negative things they observed in me are my mood swings. I won't deny that. It's true so I need to improve on that. But a lot of positive things were also said that I wasn't really expecting, so I'm like still a bit overwhelmed till now. It hasn't really sunk in yet. But I guess I might forget all the things they said tomorrow because my mind is like a CPU that is close to overheating coz of too much information. Haha.

Yet I really thank you Lord Jesus for this day. You encouraged me and showed areas in my life that I need to maintain and improve on.

Another bright side: episode in STL that I worked on went smoothly, even though my boss and I weren't able to make it to today's episode. Another reason to thank the Lord :)

I'm reading a couple of blogs about med school from people connected to me through mutual friends (yes, like that in Facebook). And no, just because I coincidentally read about med school and accidentally saw last weekend my best friend who is currently taking med school are not signs for me to even think about venturing into the medical jungle.

I. AM. NOT. GOING. TO. MEDICAL. SCHOOL.

Okay, let's backtrack a little so you'll understand where I'm coming from. Last year, I became a radio scriptwriter for my boss' radio health segment program. Since I have a background on radio broadcasting (which includes writing towering amount of scripts, doing time-consuming research and interviews, editing the audio records, AND doing all that in less than a week), the job was refreshing. Even though I hated radio when I was in college, at least I'm doing something I was trained to do. I considered this as something positive - a sign that my career is heading to a good direction.


So even though I'm surrounded with young and -ehem- more experienced doctors, I still do research the 21st century style - Google and medical books. At first, I thought it was time-consuming to do those nosebleed research when I have doctors all around me who know these medical stuff like the back of their hands. But no, they still want me to do the research, do the script, and give it to them to edit. So until now, that's what I'm doing.

The doctors at work are telling me I'm almost like taking med school. Some people even encouraged me to pursue one. Well, I admit that at one point I disillusioned myself venturing into med school, but no, I finally decided I wouldn't. Not only is med school expensive and challenging (emotionally, mentally an physically), plus add to the fact that I flunk at math and science (they are my least favorite subjects) - if I take med school, I might be tarnished. I might forget the language of the common people and the jargons might override my mind. I'm content with studying my research, consulting the doctors for more explanations, and flying out the message in the air the medical stuff people (especially those living in far-flung areas of the country) need to know.

I'm just not sure if God is content with me doing just that or make me pursue something that is beyond my wildest dreams.

We'll see. Or better yet, I'll see.

I wonder when I'll be comfortable telling my story to other people.

I'm not really good at talking about myself. In fact, the only place I do so is here, in my blog. And I'm not sure why I'm hesitant sharing my stories to people who are not even strangers to me. I mean yeah, I talk a lot sometimes and I share stories that are usually funny, but it never centered around my feelings. I've not even had a heart to heart talk with anyone in a long time. I'm just not a fan, especially when I'm the subject of that 'talk'.

I guess I just got so used telling the stories of other people that bringing my story up front has become uncomfortable and a bit pointless. I mentioned before that I get bored easily, so maybe I get bored with my story because I know all about it, even if other people do not, and started to get lazy to go over the details and explain them to other people. I'm pretty impatient too, may that's why. One of the reasons also could be that I don't want sensitive areas to be touched. I don't have a clear idea what those sensitive areas are. Maybe I'm trying to avoid finding out. I don't like awkward moments, and I don't like spilling my guts out. I don't like crying either and maybe I don't want showing vulnerability and stupidity over things so petty. (What I do like is laughing about my bloopers and stupidity that were once embarrassing nightmares.)

Or maybe it's the lack of stories to tell. Whenever I meet with my long lost friends, it has always been about them. It's more interesting listening to other people's stories than listening to myself gush, or complain, about my own. I guess it's all those trainings I got in school, where we were taught how to formulate interview questions and listen to people's answers. I'm used to pointing the barrel and firing away questions because majority of people actually like talking about themselves. I'm rarely at the end point of that barrel - only those times when I had my series of job interviews. It's nice to show people that you're interested in their stories, not make them interested on your own. I mean, who would want to listen to someone talking about themselves? Unless you're asking the questions and is actually interested.

So that's why Fridays have always been a struggle for me. Every Friday, we have our weekly "Basket of Blessing' day wherein we share to our co-department staff the things/situations we want to thank God for that happened the whole week. Now, there's no problem listening to their stories. Their stories are always funny and interesting. The issue starts when it's my turn telling the story. Not that I have nothing to thank God for. It's just that the moment I start sharing, my mind suddenly goes haywire. It becomes so cluttered. I stutter and I end up starting and finishing so fast. The details are all botched up. So I never give justice to my very own stories. What makes it worse is that I never have any issues like that when I'm telling other people's stories.

Hopefully, our family activity on Monday will be a fun-filled event that would be worth sharing on Friday - if we'll have the 'Basket of Blessing' day. And I hope that when I tell the story, I wouldn't stutter or mess up the details. Nothing wrong with short sharing, as long as it's clear, succinct and interesting. And I hope that week after week, I'll have more and more great personal stories to tell.

Mikey Bustos is an extremely funny guy with a really big talent. I hope this video of his makes it even just to the evening news. In fact, I think the Department of Tourism should hire him or pay for his Filipino Tutorial Videos. He's really good.

Great. I thought that the quiet days in the dorm are over because our workmates from Davao are now living with us for a couple of weeks. It's just their second day here but the situation in the dorm is like nothing has changed. I'm still by myself, donned in front of a laptop, entertaining myself.

But don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with the quiet moments and some "me" time but the thing that bothered me is the thought that "Am I the only one with no social life here?!"

Oh, heck.

They are all out gallivanting and having fun with our other workmates and one is having a date with her boyfriend who lives here in Manila. While I'm stuck here, doing my laundry, trying to force my stomach not to go hungry, blogging, and listening to Bruno Mars (I don't even know why I'm listening to Bruno Mars).

Hopefully, my friends and I could go out next week. We're currently undergoing some kind of a crisis so I don't think it's really appropriate to go out now. Hopefully, we'll all feel better to talk about it next week. It's a little serious and we're still on this stage where we try to avoid talking about that particular topic to avoid tensions, uneasy moments, and feeling sad.

Sometimes I think we are just forcing ourselves to be happy.

Oh, life.

Dear Lord,

Even while I was still studying, the idea of working in the place where I lived never appealed to me. For me, home is home and the stress of work should not tarnish it. Work should be done some place else. It is the time when I can explore myself  and discover what more I can do. It comes to being an adult, and as I walked through the grueling years of study, I was excited to reach that next step of life.

Metro Manila is my ideal workplace. Makati, in particular. I was born in the metro and lived there until I was 6. My mother and I bonded in our afternoon strolls in the city. My father and uncle also used to work in Makati so we visit them almost every week. Even though I was an only child and never had frequent playmates, I have good memories of my childhood. My fondness for Makati probably came from regular childhood brain development, remembering things so vivdly - even emotions.

When I turned 7 we moved to Laguna, which has become "home". That was where I studied - elementary, high school, and college. That was where my identity took shape. That was where I experienced the ups and downs of growing up. That was where I met many people and developed friendships. That was where I realized what my talents are and honed it. That place was where majority of my memories come from.

In spite of living 17 years in a sub-urban province, the heart of a city girl never left me. There's still this part of me that wants to be shoved into the adventures of city life. So as I was growing older, I told myself I would return to the urban-a-la-New York land. And I did.

 After graduation, I instantly got a job in Makati. It was a dream come true. I was on clouds. As I walked through the streets of Ayala, Pasong Tamo, and Makati Avenue, I couldn't help reflecting how good God is. He really gives you the desires of your heart. I felt like I was floating. Memories of the past years walking through the same streets and same route, swaying my arms and skipping while my other hand was being held by my mother, father, or uncle. It was like God was bringing me back to my terribly missed childhood.

Unfortunately, things aren't as perfect as what I imagined it to be. What life was in Makati when I was a child was way opposite of what I was living then. Cost of living was too expensive and going back and forth from the province proved to be very costly and tiring. My salary wasn't as high as I expected it to be, making life even more difficult. But still, I pressed on. I didn't quit when every person in their right mind would. I don't know how and why I did that.

But then, I was stripped away from the place where my past and present reunited. Our office moved to Pasig, wherein the living and culture are entirely different from the ones I enjoyed in Makati. There were very few buildings, few fast food chains, and people are not as disciplined. Though the cost of living is slightly cheaper than that in Makati, I'm experiencing culture prejudice. Bagong Ilog is typical manila - squatters everywhere, small alleys, congested houses, garbage, bars, crimes, etc.

With that experience, the idea of working in a place so close to home is starting to become very appealing. I'm starting to miss my home, I'm getting tired with the travels, and money is starting to be really tight. But, I also don't want to leave. Work here is interesting and very spontaneous. Sometimes you do one thing and the next thing you know, you're doing something else that you have no idea you are capable of. I also get an opportunity to explore myself, without the constant dependence on my mother to do my laundry, cook my own food, or wake me up early so I wouldn't be late for work. I learn to be responsible because I have no choice, which is good. I'm planning to take up my masterals abroad so I really need to learn how to take care of myself and make my own decisions. It comes to being an adult. There are times when i can't even decide on what shoes to buy or what food to eat.

It's during these times when it's just me and God, when I have no one else to depend to but Him.

I'm on a crossroad. I don't know which way to go or when is the right time to go. Is this a test or a trial, I don't know. Or maybe I knew the answer all along, I'm just afraid to admit and accept it.

Thia Megia has a lovely voice. Unfortunately, it's not cut out for a competition such as American Idol. In singing contests, voices have to be strong and flexible. It should be ready to take on any genre-challenge with a strong grip and a confident stride. Contestants also have to be current and relevant to stay in the competition. Confining oneself in a box will most certainly lead to being voted out.

They don't just judge the voice. They judge the whole package.

The first time I heard her sing, I knew she would not make it far. And I was right. Amazing voice, but not American Idol quality. She's more of Disney quality.