I don't know why I'm dealing with a lot of "father stuff" lately. I'm not sure if it has something to do with the upcoming Father's Day or if it's something more than that. Ever since my Antique trip, until I got home, to my sharing moments with my roommates, to finding out that our office in Davao is moving somewhere close to my real dad's old company, up to the topics being talked about in Elvie's internet-radio today - I just noticed I'm being bombarded with too much of this.

To make things even better, our radio segment producer texted me this afternoon and asked me to do a Father's Day episode for Friday. So I asked around in the office, particularly the fathers, on what father's day topic appeals to them. I really didn't want it to be just any usual health topic that concerns men - like prostate cancer. I mean, where's the fun and interest in that? Father's Day is supposed to salute the fathers, not hound them with medical facts and theories on why their aged bodies are deteriorating. I mean, come on, they already get that.

So as I was doing my survey, one specific topic stood out, one that I'm not really thrilled of doing. Behold, the Father and Child Bonding.

Great. Just the kind of topic that is very far away from my heart.

I'm an illegitimate child. When I was a kid, I asked my mother why my dad doesn't sleep in our house. When I turned 9, she told me everything. The last time I saw my dad was during my 17th birthday. Since then, I never saw him.

I couldn't say I was deprived of a dad during childhood. He was there during my birthdays, gave me gifts, took us out for dinner, visited me everyday (that waned as the years went by), and supported my schooling. However, now that I'm 22, I just came to realize that without constantly having him around, we've missed something important: the bonding.

We never had deep conversations as I was growing up. We never talked about anything more than "how's school" and "what are you up to now". I don't know his favorite food. I don't know his quirks. I don't know what his hobbies are. I don't know his favorite movies. I don't even know if he watches movies. We never had the "future" talk. He never taught me how to drive. The only thing I could remember him teaching me was how to operate a cellphone. Other than that, it was all pretty shallow.

It's hard living as someone's biggest secret. Everything becomes limited and restricted, even the relationship. But I've grown used to it and I understand the situation perfectly. In fact, I'd rather choose not to see my dad but be assured that he and his family are well and in good terms than for me to see my him but knowing full well that his family's knowledge of my existence has deeply hurt them. They've been through so much hurts and pains that I don't want to be another cause of a much deeper wound. I don't want relationships to be destroyed just because of me.

When I finally got the go signal to do this episode on Friday, I admit my heart dropped in bafflement. It's hard to write about something you know you would have enjoyed but didn't. I didn't even realize that it had touched a sensitive spot. But God wanted me to realize that during all those years that I was fatherless, He became a father to me. When I needed a hug, He hugged me; when I needed someone to talk to, He listened to me; when I was rebelling, He disciplined me; when I achieved milestones in life, He rejoiced with me.

I know my real dad loves me, and I love him too. But God's love for me is even greater than what people, or in this case my real dad, can give. In Him there are no limitations, only freedom.

And as an extension of His love, He's sending mentors, like the closest father-figure I have, who are filling in what I've missed and teaching me what my real dad would have taught me.

So advance Happy Father's Day, Dad.

I think I'm ready to work on that script now :)