Think Out Loud

I decided to continue my race to overseas masters application, but this time I'm going to try out a different university and a different scholarship grant. I spent the rest of the day thinking how I will battle out with the university issue. But I don't want to go into the details of that.

One of the reasons why I decided to continue was because I got an 8 in my IELTS exam. It's a good score, considering I didn't enroll in a review class (highest score is 9). Since the validity of this test is only 2 years, I'll do my best to send in as many applications as I can. I decided last Friday that money should not hinder me from exploring. I don't want to see myself reflecting and regretting not doing things I should have been courageous to do when I was younger.

So now I start fighting. God's Word to me this morning was to be courageous and He promised that He will always be with me. In spite of the hurdles which are now looming in front of me, I'm praying that my faith will remain strong and that I will not fail God in ANYTHING. And I still want His will to be done.

I GOT DECLINED.

My application to take masteral studies in Massey was declined.

And I don't really know what I'm feeling right now.

Am I shocked? Maybe. Devastated? No, surprisingly not. But I couldn't say I found it unexpected. I was a little open-minded when I started this and maybe unknowingly, I have prepared myself to face and hear (or in this case, read) rejection.

But the battle for admission isn't exactly over. I was informed that I could still apply for other programs. But do I really want to bother? I'm currently studying the alternative but I don't know. A part of me wants to let this go. Another part of me want to just delay this for another year. But another part of me wants to continue.

So what do I do? Continuing would entail expenses, which I lack (I couldn't even pay for my rent) but stopping might hinder the blessings from coming.

What do I do, Lord? Do I continue or do I stop?

Once again we're back to the restless world of disaster relief. But this time, I think I already got the hang of it. I'm not as baffled as I was before. But there's still a lot of work to be done. After all, we are just beginning.

Jeremiah 29:11

I miss going on missions that stretch to two weeks. Missions where we do house-to-house visits. It helps me understand communities and family relationships more. At the same time, I also get to see and photograph beautiful natural sceneries.

I hope I would develop on this task and do it more in a grander scale. From meeting with health aid beneficiaries, I want to upgrade and do bigger magazine-style documentaries in the future. I want to work with  well-established companies and organizations involved in such adventurous and exciting endeavors. In fact, I'm dreaming of becoming a National Geographic Explorer one day (for now, a dream just to amuse myself but we'll never know). This is actually one of the things that influenced me to go outside the communication box and pursue a different masters degree. Like anthropology. I think it's going to be highly interesting and fun.

I want to spread my wings and stretch my horizons. I believe God doesn't want my life to be in a standstill but to be full of growth. I also believe that it is He who puts certain desires in our hearts. Each one is uniquely made. Every fiber of creativity is different in each individual.

I want to channel these interests and skills  I have in writing, photography, and travelling into something greater that will bring glory and honor to the Lord. My life is a product of grace. As a result, I am inspired to be a good steward of these skills I have and the desires He placed in my heart. And I am excited to do these incredible things with God. I know that God is not yet finished surprising me with His plans.

That awkward moment when the guy who said "I love you" is married now.

(Not that I took it seriously. Honestly, I care less about that guy. Probably the only thing that intrigued me was the idea that someone did marry him. Haha.)

That awkward moment when the guy who said "I like you" is also married now.

(I wasn't so surprised. A lot of girls really liked him (and even lusted after him - shudder) but he's not really my type. I remember my good friend who was crushing over him gave me those killer glares that I was letting go of a fine catch. Ha! As if.)

And finally there's that moment when I saw God's amazing grace that He didn't allow me to be consumed by stupid teenage infatuations. If I did, my life will probably not be the same. Back then, I was almost on the verge of seizing what the present offered because I thought 'the future is unknown anyway so, why not? Such offers may not come again.' Yet in spite of my twisted emotions, God did not allow for His will not to happen.

With that, I am extremely grateful.

In the end, all of us are happy. The guys are now happily married with the women God has early on set aside for them while here I am, having the time of my life. I'm enjoying the friendships I have and I'm having fun doing what I do - travelling, writing, taking pictures, and achieving my goals in life one by one.

All is well to whom who surrenders his whole life to Christ.

Jose Rizal's missing letter tucked inside his shoe. Anastasia Romanov's whereabouts. Amelia Earheart's crashed plane.

There are things in life that would probably remain a mystery forever. God, in His sovereignty and wisdom, chose not to divulge every shrouded mystery in this world. Perhaps the truth would be too much to handle or maybe the truth doesn't really matter at all. Maybe it's the effect of that unknown fact was really that matters. 

When we reach heaven, we may finally know the answers to earth's mysteries but when that day comes, I doubt we'll even care. But as long as more mysteries in this world are unveiled, man will continue to search for answers as man is wired to be naturally curious. Yet in the end, it is God who will finish writing the world's history.

And you and I will be in it.

I think the hardest stress to handle is emotional stress.

I can work for 12 hours straight and do it for a month as long as I'm happy and enjoying what I'm doing. But if emotional stress gets in the way, I feel drained. It sucks the energy out of me.

Just like today. I was already doing okay when suddenly - BAM! It had to happen.

Sigh.

I hope tomorrow would be better.