Think Out Loud

I was in 2 malls the whole afternoon yesterday. It's a typical Sunday bonding my family does after our church activities. First, we lounge around the ATC mall where the rich and famous shop and dine while we ordinary people admire them from afar. Then we go to the rowdy Festival Mall frequented by people ranging from the upper and middle class to the average, minimum wage earners like us.

Every Sunday, what my family usually does is grab a corner in the food court and kill time reading newspapers (or books), talk and eat snacks. Then we window shop.

Yesterday, while we were doing our usual rounds of window shopping, I noticed that there were a lot more people around, considering that it's a normal Sunday. Well, now that I think about it, I think it's mid-season sale though not highly advertised. And maybe the storm had something to do about it. People were forced to go inside the malls to keep dry.

We entered the festival mall through the side entrance. The place was packed and the noise decibels were higher than usual.  The food court was crowded and so were the toilets. The upper and middle class people were crowded in Starbucks, McDonalds, and other expensive restaurants and fast foods. Some of them were walking around, whipping out their expensive DSLR cameras, taking pictures of pointless subjects such as car license plates. There were those who were just dangling the cameras around their necks like a necklace, an accessory. They didn't even bother capping the lens cover. They're completely unconcerned (or maybe just plain ignorant or stupid) that their expensive lenses might accidentally bump into something and get cracked or damaged. Some were scrolling and swiping the screens of their obviously brand new iPhones and iPads. Others had dozens of shopping bags too many to carry for 5 people. Some of it almost spilled on the hallways.

With all the manhandled expensive gadgets and shopping bags around me, I suddenly wondered if I'm the only person in this entire mall who is literally broke. I only have 9 pesos in my ATM account, the money I have for this week is desperately borrowed from my uncle, I don't have an iPhone or an iPad, my laptop turns on only when it feels to do so, I can't afford credit cards, I have bills to pay, and the daily expenses just keeps on coming. For a dozen of times, I looked into the faces of the people I saw in the mall and wondered how they do it. I mean, assuming most of them earn minimum professional wages, I need to hear what they have to say about savings and budgeting. But if, I'm sure, most of them earns double or triple of what I get, then I'll probably hear the same thing from all of them - you're stupid for staying  in your job - and receive the same advice from everyone - get a new job.

Well, surprisingly, here's the thing. I may be elegantly broke and my job may pay me low but I was able to eat four meals today - breakfast, lunch, snacks and dinner. I have an uncle who has enough money to lend me some for this week's survival. I have paid all my bills. I don't have any debts (except for the Pag-Ibig loan but that's a benefit I should regularly loan from to monitor my contribution status). I have no creditors running hot on my heels. I am healthy (physically, spiritually and mentally). My mother is healthy and she sometimes gets more money than I can save. I have a job. I receive money twice a month. I meet different kinds of people. I get to travel for free. I do what I love to do - write. And more.

God has been providing all my needs for the past 3 years. Well, for the past 23 years of my life, for that matter. In fact, just last Friday, God has proven that to me again.

Last Friday, I completed all my requirements for this course I am applying to and I'm ready to mail it. In Megamall, DHL airmail to Auckland costs P1,400. I was confident I still have P700 in my account. I was mentally computing how much would be left because I would still travel home. When I was about to withdraw, I was surprised to see that I only have P409 in my atm. And I have P1000 cash. I couldn't possibly go home. Or, I could go home but delay the mailing of my requirements until Sunday ( because there's no DHL in where I'm originally from). I was frustrated but honestly there was this peace inside me that I kept on denying and ignoring. This mail has been delayed for days (I was supposed to send it last Tuesday but it's a long story. What happened was the thing that truly frustrated me.) and my mind kept telling me I have every right to be upset. So I decided to be stupid and be upset, with the silent crying and all. Then I remembered my prayer that evening before I left the dorm that I would see God's power displayed.

When I had my P400 withdrawn, I sat down to think about my next course of action. Will I mail it or will I go home and wait until Sunday? Then I remembered I saw a DHL office outside Shangri-La. Maybe they charge cheaper there. Trying won't hurt, I told myself, so when I got there and asked how much the airmail is, guess what? They only charge P1,278! It's almost P200 lower than the one in Megamall. I have more than enough money to go home! Yay!

So what I almost considered to be the worst day ever became one of the best days of my life. And I know that there are still more to come. In a way, I felt entirely stupid in front of God. He's always telling me to trust in Him but what do I do? I focused on the realities of the situation, decided to feel sorry for myself, and secretly blamed God for the "misfortunes" that happened. But usually, it's in those "misfortunes" where God performs mightily. That Friday night and until now, I feel so ashamed because I acted like a stubborn, pathetic, doubtful,  disobedient and faithless Israelite of the Old Testament.

But I learned my lesson. I may only have a few coins left in my atm but with God filling my bank account, I have nothing to be worry about. Plus, He's my Father and I'm His child. I should have faith in Him and I should not doubt Him. Plus, He's God. Everything is under His control.

So in case a similar thing like this happens to you, don't do what I did. Trust God, have faith in Him, take a step back and be amazed.

It started a couple of weeks ago when my Mondays started to become interesting and eventful. It began when I donated blood to an elderly woman named Imelda. At first, I was declined because my monthly period is scheduled in four days. So after a trip to the hospital's lab, Fred (my officemate) and I went to talk and get to know Imelda and her family.

We learned that Imelda is fondly called Mommy Imelda by friends and family. She's a kind woman with a big heart - a heart for the Lord and for the less fortunate people. Actually, we learned about Mommy Imelda's condition because she used to be one of our volunteers. And it's interesting because she started volunteering at age 60. To think that most elderly women her age are enjoying their retirement in an island somewhere or at home in the presence of various grandkids. But for Mommy Imelda? She decided to wisely spend her senior years imprinting legacies in the lives of the children living in far-flung places in the Philippines. Unfortunately, her illness stalled her from continuing her meaningful endeavors. Until now, I am not sure what her condition is called. All I know is that her hemoglobin decreased that's why she needed blood transfusion. Add to that, she contracted pneumonia.

Things didn't go as planned when the lab rejected me for blood donation. So, I decided to pray for her instead. After all, I knew God would not bring me somewhere just to waste my time. He always has a reason for everything and at that moment, I knew in my heart that He wanted me to pray for her. So I did.

After spending 5 hours with Mommy Imelda and her family, I felt a special attachment to them. I felt their pain with the idea of losing their only parent, worries brought by the many incompatible blood results, love for their mother, and trust in God in spite of everything that is happening. I really hoped I can do something more for this family. And the Lord answered my prayer. After talking with some friends of the family, I found out that pre-menstruation isn't really an issue for blood donation. After talking with resident doctors and med techs at the lab, I was finally found qualified for blood donation.

(My blood wasn't transfused to Mommy Imelda because of incompatibility. However, they were able to exchange my blood with another bag in Quirino Hospital which was found compatible. That means they didn't need to pay for the blood bag they got from Quirino.)

Right now, Mommy Imelda is stable. I hope she would be able to be up on her feet again and be healthier than ever.

The following Monday was another eventful day with a number of reasons. One: Roger Federer won the Wimbledon (yay!). Two: We had our very first story conference (yeah, I know. Very work-related but still an achievement, if I can call it that). And Three: I was awarded as the Employee of the Month for May. The announcement came in late (typical) but better late than never, right? But more than just the certificate, I received a monetary award enough to pay off a debt. Ah, God truly provides!

Tomorrow is Monday. I wonder what God has in store for me. Certainly it's going to be busy because I'll be finalizing the photo exhibit but I'm wondering how exciting tomorrow will be. But really, if all Mondays will have its own outstanding adventures, my usual Monday sickness will totally blow off.

I guess I'll find out in a few hours.

Yesterday, the whole office was switched to "cleaning mode". Every one was armed with (surgical) masks and (surgical) gloves as we all went down on our hands and knees to clean our work spaces. Old files were exhumed and boxes were scattered all over the floor. Cabinets and drawers were drawn out and emptied. Blinds, windows and walls were cleaned for the first time in more than a year.

I decided to continue my race to overseas masters application, but this time I'm going to try out a different university and a different scholarship grant. I spent the rest of the day thinking how I will battle out with the university issue. But I don't want to go into the details of that.

One of the reasons why I decided to continue was because I got an 8 in my IELTS exam. It's a good score, considering I didn't enroll in a review class (highest score is 9). Since the validity of this test is only 2 years, I'll do my best to send in as many applications as I can. I decided last Friday that money should not hinder me from exploring. I don't want to see myself reflecting and regretting not doing things I should have been courageous to do when I was younger.

So now I start fighting. God's Word to me this morning was to be courageous and He promised that He will always be with me. In spite of the hurdles which are now looming in front of me, I'm praying that my faith will remain strong and that I will not fail God in ANYTHING. And I still want His will to be done.

I GOT DECLINED.

My application to take masteral studies in Massey was declined.

And I don't really know what I'm feeling right now.

Am I shocked? Maybe. Devastated? No, surprisingly not. But I couldn't say I found it unexpected. I was a little open-minded when I started this and maybe unknowingly, I have prepared myself to face and hear (or in this case, read) rejection.

But the battle for admission isn't exactly over. I was informed that I could still apply for other programs. But do I really want to bother? I'm currently studying the alternative but I don't know. A part of me wants to let this go. Another part of me want to just delay this for another year. But another part of me wants to continue.

So what do I do? Continuing would entail expenses, which I lack (I couldn't even pay for my rent) but stopping might hinder the blessings from coming.

What do I do, Lord? Do I continue or do I stop?

Once again we're back to the restless world of disaster relief. But this time, I think I already got the hang of it. I'm not as baffled as I was before. But there's still a lot of work to be done. After all, we are just beginning.

Jeremiah 29:11

I miss going on missions that stretch to two weeks. Missions where we do house-to-house visits. It helps me understand communities and family relationships more. At the same time, I also get to see and photograph beautiful natural sceneries.

I hope I would develop on this task and do it more in a grander scale. From meeting with health aid beneficiaries, I want to upgrade and do bigger magazine-style documentaries in the future. I want to work with  well-established companies and organizations involved in such adventurous and exciting endeavors. In fact, I'm dreaming of becoming a National Geographic Explorer one day (for now, a dream just to amuse myself but we'll never know). This is actually one of the things that influenced me to go outside the communication box and pursue a different masters degree. Like anthropology. I think it's going to be highly interesting and fun.

I want to spread my wings and stretch my horizons. I believe God doesn't want my life to be in a standstill but to be full of growth. I also believe that it is He who puts certain desires in our hearts. Each one is uniquely made. Every fiber of creativity is different in each individual.

I want to channel these interests and skills  I have in writing, photography, and travelling into something greater that will bring glory and honor to the Lord. My life is a product of grace. As a result, I am inspired to be a good steward of these skills I have and the desires He placed in my heart. And I am excited to do these incredible things with God. I know that God is not yet finished surprising me with His plans.