Think Out Loud

Great. I thought that the quiet days in the dorm are over because our workmates from Davao are now living with us for a couple of weeks. It's just their second day here but the situation in the dorm is like nothing has changed. I'm still by myself, donned in front of a laptop, entertaining myself.

But don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with the quiet moments and some "me" time but the thing that bothered me is the thought that "Am I the only one with no social life here?!"

Oh, heck.

They are all out gallivanting and having fun with our other workmates and one is having a date with her boyfriend who lives here in Manila. While I'm stuck here, doing my laundry, trying to force my stomach not to go hungry, blogging, and listening to Bruno Mars (I don't even know why I'm listening to Bruno Mars).

Hopefully, my friends and I could go out next week. We're currently undergoing some kind of a crisis so I don't think it's really appropriate to go out now. Hopefully, we'll all feel better to talk about it next week. It's a little serious and we're still on this stage where we try to avoid talking about that particular topic to avoid tensions, uneasy moments, and feeling sad.

Sometimes I think we are just forcing ourselves to be happy.

Oh, life.

Even while I was still studying, the idea of working in the place where I lived never appealed to me. For me, home is home and the stress of work should not tarnish it. Work should be done some place else. It is the time when I can explore myself  and discover what more I can do. It comes to being an adult, and as I walked through the grueling years of study, I was excited to reach that next step of life.

Metro Manila is my ideal workplace. Makati, in particular. I was born in the metro and lived there until I was 6. My mother and I bonded in our afternoon strolls in the city. My father and uncle also used to work in Makati so we visit them almost every week. Even though I was an only child and never had frequent playmates, I have good memories of my childhood. My fondness for Makati probably came from regular childhood brain development, remembering things so vivdly - even emotions.

When I turned 7 we moved to Laguna, which has become "home". That was where I studied - elementary, high school, and college. That was where my identity took shape. That was where I experienced the ups and downs of growing up. That was where I met many people and developed friendships. That was where I realized what my talents are and honed it. That place was where majority of my memories come from.

In spite of living 17 years in a sub-urban province, the heart of a city girl never left me. There's still this part of me that wants to be shoved into the adventures of city life. So as I was growing older, I told myself I would return to the urban-a-la-New York land. And I did.

 After graduation, I instantly got a job in Makati. It was a dream come true. I was on clouds. As I walked through the streets of Ayala, Pasong Tamo, and Makati Avenue, I couldn't help reflecting how good God is. He really gives you the desires of your heart. I felt like I was floating. Memories of the past years walking through the same streets and same route, swaying my arms and skipping while my other hand was being held by my mother, father, or uncle. It was like God was bringing me back to my terribly missed childhood.

Unfortunately, things aren't as perfect as what I imagined it to be. What life was in Makati when I was a child was way opposite of what I was living then. Cost of living was too expensive and going back and forth from the province proved to be very costly and tiring. My salary wasn't as high as I expected it to be, making life even more difficult. But still, I pressed on. I didn't quit when every person in their right mind would. I don't know how and why I did that.

But then, I was stripped away from the place where my past and present reunited. Our office moved to Pasig, wherein the living and culture are entirely different from the ones I enjoyed in Makati. There were very few buildings, few fast food chains, and people are not as disciplined. Though the cost of living is slightly cheaper than that in Makati, I'm experiencing culture prejudice. Bagong Ilog is typical manila - squatters everywhere, small alleys, congested houses, garbage, bars, crimes, etc.

With that experience, the idea of working in a place so close to home is starting to become very appealing. I'm starting to miss my home, I'm getting tired with the travels, and money is starting to be really tight. But, I also don't want to leave. Work here is interesting and very spontaneous. Sometimes you do one thing and the next thing you know, you're doing something else that you have no idea you are capable of. I also get an opportunity to explore myself, without the constant dependence on my mother to do my laundry, cook my own food, or wake me up early so I wouldn't be late for work. I learn to be responsible because I have no choice, which is good. I'm planning to take up my masterals abroad so I really need to learn how to take care of myself and make my own decisions. It comes to being an adult. There are times when i can't even decide on what shoes to buy or what food to eat.

It's during these times when it's just me and God, when I have no one else to depend to but Him.

I'm on a crossroad. I don't know which way to go or when is the right time to go. Is this a test or a trial, I don't know. Or maybe I knew the answer all along, I'm just afraid to admit and accept it.