'Hi! I missed you all!'

We didn't miss you.

'I wish you were all there with me.'

Hate to burst your bubble but the real world doesn't work that way.

'I'm blessed not to be part of the _% who weren't fortunate enough.'

You're a hypocrite.

'Glad to see you're having a great time.'

Since when??

'I'm beat! My body's yada, yada, yada...'

Go kill yourself somewhere.

'Do this and that and this and that... Oh! And these too!"

You're not the master, subordinate.

'What seems to be the problem?'

You.

'I just want to encourage you...'

You just discouraged me.

'You're too shallow..."

I think I just heard a voice somewhere deep under the ground.